Are You Hearing Your Child Without Really Listening?

By Sylvia Langford · 7 min read

We live in a world filled with noise, notifications and instant responses. In this fast-paced environment, taking the time to truly listen has become increasingly difficult.

Hearing and listening are not quite the same thing. We can hear our children's words while already thinking about how to respond, what to correct or what advice to give.

Truly listening means paying attention in order to understand what they are trying to communicate, even when we disagree with what they are saying or with the way they are responding.

But are we really listening to our children, or are we so focused on responding, correcting or advising that we leave too little space to understand what they are feeling?

1. What Does It Mean to Listen?

Listening means paying attention to what another person is trying to communicate – through their words, but also through their emotions and behaviour.

It does not mean always agreeing, justifying every behaviour or giving up boundaries.

Listening is not:

• giving advice before understanding what is happening
• interrupting to correct
• minimising what a child is feeling
• telling them how they should feel
• trying to quickly end an emotion because it makes us uncomfortable

Listening involves:

• being present and reducing distractions when possible
• allowing the child to finish speaking
• asking questions to understand more clearly
• acknowledging the emotion they are expressing
• showing that we can listen even when we do not share their point of view

A statement such as "I understand that you're really angry" acknowledges an emotion.

It does not necessarily mean agreeing with what the child did while they were angry.

This distinction is important:

We can acknowledge an emotion without approving a behaviour.

2. Are You Listening to Understand or Simply to Respond?

Many of us listen while already thinking about the response we are going to give.

We want to solve the problem, offer advice, correct a behaviour or prevent our child from being hurt.

These intentions may come from a good place. But if we respond too quickly, we may miss what our child is actually trying to tell us.

Children and teenagers do not always need an immediate solution.

Sometimes, they first need to feel heard and understood.

Before intervening, we can ask ourselves:

Do I really understand what my child is trying to communicate?

Sometimes a simple question can create more space than a long explanation:

"Would you like to tell me a little more?"

Or:

"What happened next?"

Listening first can help us understand what kind of response is actually needed.

3. What Can Happen When a Child Feels They Are Not Being Heard?

When children repeatedly feel that their emotions are being corrected, minimised or ignored, they may become less willing to share certain things with adults.

For example, they may:

• talk less about what is worrying them
• avoid certain conversations because they are afraid of being judged
• express frustration through behaviour rather than words
• increasingly seek understanding from their peers or in other spaces

This does not necessarily happen because of a single conversation, nor does a relationship break down every time an adult responds poorly.

What matters is the pattern that develops over time.

When children experience that they can speak and be heard, even when there is disagreement, they have an opportunity to learn that emotions can be expressed and problems can be discussed without every wish or request necessarily being accepted.

They can gradually learn:

"Someone can understand how I feel without necessarily agreeing with everything I say or do."

That is an important distinction in healthy communication.

4. How Do You Know Whether You Are Really Listening?

Ask yourself:

• Do I interrupt while my child is speaking?
• Do I start preparing my response before they have finished?
• Do I immediately give advice?
• Do I try to stop their emotions quickly because they make me uncomfortable?
• Do I say things such as "It's not that bad", "You should be happy" or "That's nothing"?
• Do I confuse acknowledging an emotion with approving any behaviour?

If you answered yes to some of these questions, it does not mean you are a bad parent.

It means you have identified an opportunity to practise a different response.

Listening is a skill that can also be learnt and practised.

It does not always require an immediate solution.

Sometimes it simply requires us to pause, pay attention and understand before responding.

5. How Can We Develop Active Listening at Home?

We can begin with a few simple practices:

Slow down. When possible, stop what you are doing and give your child your attention.

Don't interrupt. Give them enough time to explain what they think or feel.

Ask questions to understand. Try questions such as "What upset you the most?", "What happened next?" or "What did you think when that happened?"

Acknowledge the emotion. You might say, "I can understand why that frustrated you" without necessarily approving of the way your child responded.

Reflect back what you understood. For example: "So you felt that they weren't listening to you..." This also gives the child an opportunity to correct you if you have misunderstood.

Then provide guidance when needed. Listening first does not mean giving up teaching, setting boundaries or looking for solutions.

Active listening is not about always finding the perfect words.

It is about showing, through our attention and our response, that what the child is communicating deserves to be taken seriously.

Sometimes the most useful question may even be:

"Would you like me to listen, or would you like some help thinking about what to do?"

As children grow older, this can help distinguish between moments when they want to share an experience and moments when they are ready to look for a solution.

Frequently Asked Questions

What Is the Difference Between Hearing and Listening?

Hearing is the ability to perceive sound.

Listening involves paying attention and trying to understand the meaning of what another person is communicating.

It can also involve considering the context, asking questions and checking whether we have understood correctly.

We can therefore hear every word a child says without necessarily having listened to what they were trying to communicate.

Why Is It So Difficult to Listen Without Giving Our Opinion?

As adults, we may feel a strong need to solve our children's problems quickly or protect them from being hurt.

We may also feel uncomfortable when they express sadness, anger, disappointment or frustration.

Sometimes giving advice makes us feel that we are helping.

But helping does not always require an immediate answer.

Learning to listen before responding requires patience and self-control – including the ability to tolerate a few moments in which we do not yet have a solution.

Does Validating Emotions Mean Allowing Any Behaviour?

No.

We can acknowledge an emotion while still setting a clear boundary around behaviour.

For example:

"I understand that you're angry. You are allowed to be angry, but you are not allowed to hit."

The emotion does not need to be punished or denied. The behaviour can still have a limit.

This distinction helps children bit by bit learn that what they feel and what they choose to do are not the same thing.

Does Active Listening Improve Children's Behaviour?

Active listening can contribute to better communication and help children express what they are feeling and what they need.

However, listening is not a technique for guaranteeing good behaviour.

It does not replace boundaries, routines, clear expectations, appropriate consequences or other forms of adult guidance.

Children's behaviour has many possible influences, and different situations require different responses.

The value of listening is broader: it helps create a relationship in which children have opportunities to communicate, be understood and learn how to express themselves.

Conclusion: Listening Is Also Part of Educating

Listening to our children does not mean always agreeing with them or solving every problem for them.

It means giving them space to express what they think and feel, trying to understand before correcting and maintaining the relationship even when we need to establish a boundary.

Listening is also teaching.

We teach children that emotions can be expressed, disagreements can be discussed and respect can be maintained even when things do not go the way we hoped.

Like any other skill, listening develops through practice.

And it begins with something simple:

pausing and being present when our children need to talk.